


Nobody Knows Where We Might End Up.

by lovesamillionstories



Series: Shepherd Sibling Fics [2]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Asexual Character, Bisexual Character, Brother-Sister Relationships, But is to a degree, Complicated Relationships, Daddy Issues, Dead Dads Club, Family Bonding, Fluff, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, Headcanon, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Lesbian Character, Loss of Parent(s), Mental Health Issues, Multi, Next Generation, Not Canon Compliant, Sibling Bonding, Sister-Sister Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28689237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesamillionstories/pseuds/lovesamillionstories
Summary: The Shepherd children have a lot of pressure on them to be surgical prodigies. Zola And her brother Bailey have managed to handle that pressure so far. Zola's made it to the first year of her neuro fellowship and Bailey's made it to the fourth year of residency without cracking under the pressure. Ellis is the baby of the family and just starting her intern year and well, she's always felt like she can't measure up to her siblings. Ellis isn't sure she'll be able to handle the pressure and she doesn't know what she wants to do in the future, her siblings have always been so sure of it and seemed so sure of themselves. Ellis doesn't have any idea what to specialize in and has spent her life doubting herself. She has no idea where she's going to end up or if she's going to survive this.
Relationships: Derek Bailey Shepherd & Ellis Shepherd, Derek Bailey Shepherd & Zola Shepherd, Ellis Shepherd & Zola Shepherd, Meredith Grey & Derek Bailey Shepherd & Ellis Shepherd & Zola Shepherd, Zola Shepherd & Sofia Sloan Torres
Series: Shepherd Sibling Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136732
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. More Than Survive

_“Being a surgeon is all I’ve ever wanted to be, For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamed of being a doctor. My mother is an amazing surgeon and even if I never met him I know my father was too. Basically, there’s a lot of pressure to uphold a legacy of surgical expertise. My brother and sister have what it takes and they know it. Me? I’m full of self-doubt and anxiety. Maybe I would be better off as a janitor or a cashier. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see and hope I don’t kill anyone in the process.”- Ellis Alexandra Shepherd_

Ellis can’t believe that she’s really starting the first day of her surgical internship. She’s trying not to freak out about it but there’s a lot to be nervous about. She really doesn’t want to screw this up or fail. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t make it.

There’s a lot of pressure on her already and she hasn’t done so much as observe a surgery. Her name is enough pressure on its own. ‘Ellis Shepherd’, she’s named after legendary Ellis Grey and carries the last name Shepherd. It’s a name that people will expect great things from in the surgical world. Especially at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. She wonders if it was a bad idea to do her residency here with all the pressure. There are the positives of having her family here but in some ways, that’s a negative too.

She does feel a little rush of confidence changing into her scrubs and white coat. She’s a real doctor now. She’s Doctor Shepherd and not just Ellis. She wonders how much confusion is going to happen with her being this hospital’s fourth Shepherd. Whatever, that’s not what she should be worried about right now. She should just let herself be happy about being a real doctor. She always worries too much and needs to give herself a minute to just feel happy. 

Zola is woken up by her pager going off. She narrowly avoids falling off the top bunk of the on-call room bed. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep in the hospital but it’s a good thing she did. She hasn’t been home for the last four days but this is normal for her. She sleeps at the hospital a lot more often than she sleeps at home. She’s needed in the ER and when you’re needed in the pit you run.

There was a pile-up car accident that’s brought in a lot of patients. Some of them need neuro consults and that’s Zola’s job. She needs to be quick because there’s a lot of patients but she also needs to be careful and efficient. She can’t skip any steps or rush anything because then she could miss something, if she misses something someone could die. She doesn’t take any risks when it comes to head injuries. Any sign at all of a brain bleed and she’ll order a CT. Sometimes she’s wrong and there’s not a brain bleed. But it’s better to think there’s a brain bleed and find out there’s not then to think there isn’t a brain bleed and find out way too late that there is one. Being careful is worth the potential of saving even one life. If it can help another child from ending up like her it’s worth it. 

She’s a brand new neurosurgery fellow and even if she feels like she knows what she’s doing it’s still terrifying to have so much more responsibility than she did as a resident. Zola doesn’t want to end up being the stupid person who makes a rooky mistake that ends up killing someone. She’s very gifted in neuro but she can’t get too cocky or confident. She needs to be able to question herself.

Bailey’s been awake for about fifteen hours now. Maybe he’s starting to get tired now but he can fight it and stay up a little longer. He’s still alert and not a risk to patients so he can keep working. There’s an overwhelming amount of patients in the pit and he shouldn’t go home now. The hospital is also swarming with new interns who are going to need residents to stop them from murdering patients with their lack of skills combined with the high of being a brand new doctor. He also just wants to stick around in case there are any good cardio cases for him to scrub in on.

Bailey makes his way to the pit. The ER is chaos but controlled, organized chaos. He can see Zola in the middle of her workday. He wonders how Ellis is doing on her first day. With all these patients that are going to end up being surgical cases, he wonders how many of the interns are going to be flung directly into chaos. 

Ellis doesn’t even get much time to process anything before all the interns are told they need to go to the ER. Ellis barely manages to catch the details of why. Apparently, there was a seven-car pile-up and the aftermath led to even more injuries and they need all the hands they can get in the ER. 

Ellis can’t believe how chaotic everything is in the ER. but the residents and attendings seem relaxed meaning that she shouldn’t lose her cool because of the chaos. A moment of observation leads her to realize that it’s not truly chaos. It may look like it from the outside but clearly, it’s a lot more organized than you’d think at first glance. 

Since they’re idiots who know nothing Ellis and her fellow interns are assigned easy tasks that don’t really involve any real medicine. Ellis’s job is to deliver blankets to patients. It’s not as thrilling or life-saving as she would have hoped but it does help people. Being warm might not save anyone but it can make their day a little better.

Ellis wants to get the intern appy. Zola and Bailey both got it and she doesn’t want to be the only Shepherd sibling who doesn’t. She doesn’t know if she will though. She doesn’t think you can show promise by giving people blankets. She shouldn’t be focused on the intern appy, she has to focus on the patients. She doesn’t want to be the family disappointment though. Not that they would see her as one but she would sure as hell see herself as one.

After several hours the workload in the ER finally gets better. So Ellis gets a chance to actually go to the cafeteria to get herself something to eat. She just grabs the first edible looking item she can see and sits down at a random table. There’s another intern already sitting there. One of the interns in her class actually. She swears that she looks familiar. Then it hits her and she can’t believe who it is. She has to be wrong because it can’t be who she thinks it is. But she doesn’t know who else it can be. This woman is Harriet Kepner Avery. 

Harriet is the daughter of her Mom’s friends Jackson and April. Ellis had been kind of friends with her as a teenager. They weren’t close but Ellis thought they could have become close. But that never happened. It never happened because Harriet had gone missing as a teenager. Ellis can remember it happening. One night fifteen-year-old Harriet had just disappeared. They never really figured out what happened to her. But apparently, Ellis just found her alive and well, “Harriet?”

Harriet looks startled by her own name. She nearly jumps and then looks at Ellis. She stares at her for a second before she recognizes her too, “Ellis Shepherd...is that you?”

This is definitely Harriet. The long lost Harriet Kepner Avery, “Yes...and you’re really Harriet Kepner Avery?”

Harriet looks a little awkward and uncomfortable, “Actually it’s just Kepner...not Avery anyone.”

“Oh...where have you been for the last...ten years?”

Harriet takes a moment to reply, “I ran away...and figured out my life and myself...and now I’m here.”

Ellis isn’t really surprised. She and Harriet never spoke much about important things but she does remember how Harriet was angry and unhappy all the time. It makes sense that she ran away, “Do your parents know?”

Harriet doesn’t look happy with the mention of her parents, “Not yet...they’ll find out but I’m trying to avoid them I guess...but I’m only going to talk to them if I have to.”

Ellis has a lot of questions but she thinks it’s better that she just doesn’t ask them, “I understand,” She decides it would be better if she changed the subject, “Where did you go to medical school?”

Harriet noticeably relaxes at the subject change, “University of Arizona, what about you?”

“Harvard.”

“Oh, nice.”

Ellis smiles slightly, “Yeah...Zola and Bailey went there too.”

“Are they here?”

“Yeah...both of them are.”

“What do they do? I know Zola’s probably a fellow or attending and I think Bailey’s a resident but I didn’t know your siblings really so I don’t know how old they are.” Harriet knows that Zola is the oldest and that she isn’t much older than Bailey but that’s it.

Ellis answers Harriet’s question. “Zola is a neurosurgery fellow...and Bailey’s a fourth year resident but he’s already decided he wants to specialize in cardio...and I know you probably weren’t really asking how old they were but Bailey’s twenty-nine, Zola’s thirty-one, and I’m twenty-six...and I thought you were a year younger than me but you’re in my class..and I’m rambling...sorry. ” Ellis feels a little embarrassed now and laughs awkwardly. She’s prone to getting anxious in social situations and rambling is a nervous habit of her’s.

Harriet laughs but not in a way that feels like she’s laughing at Ellis, more like she’s laughing with her, “It’s okay...everyone rambles sometimes...and I am a year younger than you...I just got a GED the year before I would have graduated high school if I had stayed so I’m a year younger than most of the interns.”

“Oh...that makes sense.”

Harriet looks a lot more relaxed the earlier, “Yeah...do you know what you want to specialize in?”

Ellis feels a spike in her anxiety level at that question, “Oh...gosh not at all...do you?”

“Maybe neuro but...I have no idea.”

Ellis would like to talk to Harriet longer but both of them really have to go now. There’s very little time for surgeons to have breaks. You have to get things that aren’t medicine done at high speed.

Cristina eventually makes Bailey go home. He thinks he could have stayed longer but he’s learned after being mentored by her for the past few years that she’s pretty much always right. If she says he needs a break then he probably needs one even if he doesn’t feel like he does. He did get to assist her with a great and successful surgery so he doesn’t really protest her telling him to leave.

Bailey lets himself into his apartment and flops down on the couch. His roommate and best friend Georgia is already home and she gives him one of her trademark Georgia King Freedman looks of absolute disapproval, “Did you really work for twenty hours again?”

“You’ve done this before too...you’re a hypocrite.”

“Did Doctor Yang make you go home?”

“She did.”  
Georgia sits on the floor next to the couch, “Derek Bailey...why are you like this?”

Bailey laughs, “I don’t know...the massive amount of pressure being the child of who are basically medical celebrities.”

“My parents are good doctors too...they’re just not put on the same crazy pedestal yours are put on.”

“My dad is putting pressure on me from beyond the grave Georgie.”

Georgia pats his arm and uses an over-exaggerated sympathetic tone, “Poor Bailey...he has nepotism privilege.”

Bailey doesn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have Georgia around to bully him. His life would be less interesting without her for sure, “What about the bad parts of nepotism Georgia.”

“What bad parts?”

“The heavy expectations?”

“You’re talented enough to meet them aren’t you?”

Bailey smiles, “Yeah...of course, I am...I’m badass.”

“That’s a bold claim for someone as soft as you to make.”

Bailey playfully slaps her on the arm, “Shut up...I’m ready to fly solo in cardio and I’m just starting fourth year...that makes me a badass.”

“That might be the nepotism.”

“How is it nepotism that I’m naturally skilled at cardio?”

“You wouldn’t be this good without Doctor Yang...she focuses on you and that’s borderline nepotism.”  
“Cristina and I aren’t related Georgia.”

“How long have you known her Bailey?”

Bailey tries to think of a witty comeback but he doesn’t have one, “My whole life...and she’s my mother’s best friend and my godmother.”

“See Bailey...it’s diet nepotism.”

Bailey laughs at the phrase diet nepotism, it’s a pretty good description, “Okay yes...it is...but I think I need and deserve it.”

“Whatever makes you feel better about your unfair advantage, Pretty Boy Shepherd.”

“You think I’m so sexy don’t you Gia?”

“I said you were pretty...not that you were sexy.”

Bailey bats his eyelashes at her, “I’m so irresistible.”

Georgia actually laughs at that, which makes Bailey happy because getting her to laugh takes some work, “Think what you want pretty boy...whatever makes you happy.”

“It’s true...I’m very sexy,”

Georgia laughs again, “Enough with the jokes...what do you want for dinner?”

Zola thinks that she’ll actually go home tonight. Henry and Sofia probably miss her presence and must be getting worried about her at this point. She really does need to sleep in her actual bed for once too. So when she’s finished for the day she drives home instead of finding an on-call room to sleep in.

Henry greets her as soon as she comes into the house, “So..you do still live here?”

“I do...I’m just dedicated to my job.”

“Zola...dedication isn’t a strong enough word for you...I’m dedicated to my job and I don’t live at the hospital for half a week regularly.”

Zola knows that Henry is legitimately worried for her and thinks that he doesn’t need to be. She’s fine and he doesn’t need to be concerned about her work-life balance because brain surgery is her life so she actually has a great life balance, “Henry...we’ve been over this...I’m fine.”

“Your mother worries about you.”

“Tell her I’m fine...no need for either of you to worry.”

“I will...but try and come home more.”

“I’ll try...but no promises.” Zola does not have any plans to change how often she sleeps at the hospital but she might try and be home more for a week or so just to make Henry worry less so he can stop telling her how worried he is.

Sofia’s home too and in the kitchen. She’s the only one in the house who knows how to cook a decent meal that tastes good and that’s somewhat nutritious, she pauses in her vegetable chopping when Zola comes into the kitchen, “Zola...you exist!”

Sofia’s hair is messy and she’s in her old Harvard hoodie. Zola thinks that she looks beautiful like that though. She thinks Sofia always looks so pretty. She’s beautiful even when she’s a mess. Zola realizes she’s getting lost in her gay thoughts again and she needs to reply to Sofia, “Sofia...hi.”

“We haven’t seen you for days...nice to see you’re alive.

“I was in the ER today Sofia and so were you...you must have gotten a glimpse of me.”

“Not really...it was really hectic but...that’s the life of a trauma surgeon.”

“Bet all the new interns made it worse.”

“Oh they did...I saw your sister today...how’s she feeling about her first day?”

Zola feels bad because she hasn’t actually talked to Ellis today, “Oh...I don’t know, I should call her later.”

“Isn’t it nice to not be residents anymore?”

Zola smiles, “Yeah..it is.

When Ellis finally gets home for the night she feels ready to pass out. It was only her first day but it was hectic. She can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow. She wants to find a new place to live though, she’s currently living in her childhood bedroom and twenty-six is too old to be living with her mom. Before she goes to sleep she spends a few minutes texting her siblings in their group text. They’ve all been so busy for years with medical school and residency so it’s been a long time since they’ve all been together. Ellis was so close with her siblings in childhood so she’s glad the three of them will finally be able to all see each other regularly again. She’s going to be here for at least the next five years and she’s glad she’ll have Zola and Bailey by her side. She doesn’t know where she’ll end up in the end or where they will. But she hopes that they’ll all just stay close. She wants them to be here for her journey through medicine and she wants to be there for theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the first chapter is done! It jumped around a lot and this isn't going to happen with every other chapter. There were just a lot of characters to be introduced but there aren't going to be too many chapters like this in the future needing to focus on so many characters in such a short time. The main characters of this fic are the Shepherd siblings but the other four (Henry, Sofia, Georgia, and Harriet are going to also be major and important characters in this fic too.
> 
> If you want to read about the Shepherds childhood in this verse you can check out the other fic (probably soon to be fics) in this series.
> 
> This fic is canon-compliant up to around season 14 I think? I haven't watched past season 15 but might take some things from later seasons if I ever catch up. I believe it's canon-compliant for private practice.
> 
> Every chapter of this fic is titled after a song in the way that every Grey's episode is titled after a song. This one is titled after the first song in the musical Be More Chill


	2. No Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harriet has her first surgery and tries to avoid her mother.

_ “I didn’t want to be a doctor when I was younger. Or I did but I didn’t want to do what was expected of me because of who my parents were. I wanted to feel like I was making my own choices about my future instead of being forced into some predetermined destiny. But even when I got away from my family I couldn’t end up escaping that choice. But it felt more like my own choice than a choice made for me. But maybe destiny is just something you can’t escape- Harriet Nora Kepner. _

A few days after her first day Ellis hears from the resident in charge of her class that they’re picking the intern for the intern appy today. Ellis is honestly a little scared of her resident. Georgia King Freedman takes no bullshit and despite being a rather small woman is very intimidating. She’s briefly met Georgia before because she’s really close with Bailey. She doesn’t know her well though and she’s pretty sure that Doctor King Freedman sees her as a stupid intern even if she is Bailey’s sister. She probably has high standards for her because of it.

Ellis didn’t expect she’d get it but hearing that it isn’t her is disappointing. Harriet gets the intern appy. Ellis at least can manage to be a little happy for her. They’ve spoken a few times since they talked in the cafeteria and Ellis has been enjoying talking to her. She thinks maybe they’re friends and friends should be happy for each other. She even makes herself go to Harriet to congratulate her, “Good job Harriet.”

“Thanks...I’m kind of nervous though.”

“You’ll be okay.”

“Okay.”

“You’re lucky...you won the appy.”

“I’m still going to be a little worried about killing someone.”

“You won’t kill anyone, it’s just an appendectomy.”

Harriet smiles, “You’re right...I’ve got this.”

“I’ll watch you in the gallery.”  
Harriet’s nervous but excited. Things get a little hectic when the time comes to actually take the appendix out but in the end it goes okay. The attending surgeon, Doctor Montgomery has a calm and gentle temperament and it helps her relax. He doesn’t even yell at her when things go wrong. As Henry’s closing, Harriet looks up in the gallery. She sees Ellis and that makes her happy but that happiness quickly disappears when she sees who else is there. Her mother April is watching.

When Harriet leaves the scrub room her mother is out in the hall. Harriet hasn’t spoken to April for ten years. She can’t even think of her as a parent anymore. She’s just April and she’s a stranger. Harriet stays silent until April breaks the silence, “Harriet...where have you been...what happened to you?!”

Harriet can’t make eye contact with April. She doesn’t want to either, “I can’t talk to you.”

“Harriet.” April sounds frantic and confused and upset.

Harriet can’t do this. This isn’t something she can handle. She can’t talk to April today, “...I’m here now...as a doctor...I did not come here for you.”

April is confused and hurt and Harriet can tell by the sound of her voice, “Harriet...please.”

“I can’t talk to you now...I’ll see you later.” Harriet leaves and speed walks down the hall and away from April. The last thing she wants is to have a long conversation with either of her parents. She didn’t run away from home because she had a good relationship with her parents. Ten years away from them didn’t repair anything and she’s not in the mood to start trying to fix anything.

Harriet has to take a minute to calm herself down before going back to work. She wasn’t ready for all the feelings seeing her mother again brought up. She’s so confused and conflicted and she’s feeling too many things. So she goes into a supply closet and hopes that no one finds her.

Someone does find her, of all the people to find her Doctor King Freedmen, “What are you doing Doctor Kepner?”

“I just need a second…I’ll be back to work in a second.”

She’s surpised when Georgia sits next to her, “How did the intern appy go?”

“It went fine...I messed up a little...but it went fine.”

“Everyone messes up the intern appy.”

Harriet feels better about messing up now, “Is it to teach us to handle failure or something?”

“I don’t know...maybe the attendings just find it funny to see us mess up and panic.”

“Doctor Montgomery was pretty calm though...so that helped.”

“Henry’s always been level headed...makes him a really good surgeon.”

“Do you know each other well?”

“We’re childhood friends...Me and my sisters used to play with him all the time.”

“You have sisters?”

“Oldest of a set of triplets...and we have an older brother.”

“I have a sister.” Harriet feels guilty, she doesn’t just have a sister, “And an older brother.”

“You’re April’s kid aren’t you?”

Harriet doesn’t really feel like telling her that but she also doesn’t want to lie to someone who’s kind of her boss, “Yeah...April Kepner’s daughter.”

Georgia didn’t know that April Kepner had any child besides her daughter she’s met a few times because she’s an EMT . She didn’t know about Harriet or that there’s apparently a son. She knows Doctor Avery and Doctor Kepner were married and she thinks that’s where Harriet and the mystery son come from, “I didn’t know she had other kids besides Ruby.”

Harriet hasn’t heard about her sister in many years. She’s wondered about her many times since she last saw her ten years ago, “You know my sister?”

“Ruby’s an EMT...I’ve met her a few times.”

“I haven’t seen Ruby in ten years...glad to know she’s doing well...and the other kid besides me...is...gone.”

Georgia’s voice softens, “I’m sorry to hear about your brother...and that you haven’t seen your sister for a long time.”

“Thank you, it’s a really long story...and I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone it...but I haven’t seen my family for ten years”

“Well...that’s okay, it’s your business and you don’t have to tell anyone that story.”

Harriet feels better now. Like the feelings are something she can handle, “Thank you...Doctor King Freedmen.” Harriet is careful to say her name right. It’s long and she doesn’t want to say it wrong.

“No problem...now we should get back to work.”

Harriet was worried the encounter with her mother would ruin her day. But it didn’t thanks to Georgia. Maybe she isn’t as scary as the other interns think she is.

Ellis feels like she’s somehow failed by not getting the intern appy. She feels like she should have gotten it and that she’s dissapotined someone by not getting it. Even if she knows nobody in her family cares that she didn’t she feels like they should be dissapotied. Ellis thinks that she needs to stop thinking about this because she’s overthinking it. Plenty of good doctor’s didn’t get the intern appy. Cristina didn’t, her mother didn’t. It doesn’t mean she can’t be a good doctor. 

Ellis manages to not focus intensely on not getting the intern appy. She buries herself in work and feels better. She’s been worrying too much about being good. She’s an intern and she needs time to learn. She just always compares herself to people she can’t mesure up to and it just ends up making her feel needlessly bad. 

Ellis eventually gets a chance to talk to Harriet once she’s done for the day but not ready to go home. There's a bed in a hallway that seems like it’s been there for years. Ellis sits there with Harriet, “So how did the intern appy go?”

“It was fine...until my mom talked to me after?”

“Oh shit...are you okay?”

Harriet sounds tired but not too upset, “I’m fine...I got away from her fast...and Doctor King Freedmen and I talked and it helped...who knew she had a soft side.”

“I know...she’s intimidating, my brother says secretly soft but I don’t see it.”

“Well I saw it today.”

“She’s Bailey’s person...so I guess he sees the most of it.”

Harriet sounds confused “What do you mean that she’s his person?”

Ellis quickly starts to explain, feeling embarrassed that she acted like Harriet would know what she meant, “A person is like...a best friend...they’ve always got your back and you have their’s and they know you better than anyone.”

“Oh…that makes sense.”

“I feel like I didn’t explain it well enough..but like..you’ll know if someone is your person...or I think that’s how it works...I don’t really have one.”

“I think I understand what you mean.”

“I’d like to have someone to trust like Geogia and Bailey trust each other but I’m not great at social interaction.”

Harriet smiles at her, “That’s okay...I’m not the best either.”

“I get anxious...but I used to get a lot more anxious...like when I was really little I couldn’t talk to strangers like..at all.

“I just didn’t really have real friends for like ten years so I’m out of practice.”

“I guess you’re practcing now.”

Harriet laughs, “Yeah...you’re good practice...your easy to talk to.”

Ellis never thought of herself as easy to talk to so being told that makes her happy, “Oh...good, people don’t usually seem to like talking to me.”

“Well...I do, you’re cool.”

Ellis can’t help but laugh at that, “I’m not cool...I’ve never been cool.”

“Why not?”

“Becuase even at the age of twenty six I’m a socially awkarld, weird nerdy kid.”

“We’re doctors Ellis...we’re all the weird nerdy kids and now we’re saving lives...that makes us cool weird nerdy kids.”

“You have a point.”

“I know I do.”

Ellis looks at her watch and realizes how late it is, “Harriet...do you need to go home? It’s late and I don’t want to keep you here later than you need to be.”

“No...it’s fine...I live by myself and it’s lonely anyway...the hospital is like a second home already anyway and it’s not lonely.”

“I’m jelous you found yourself a place to live...I live with my mom.”

“At least you don’t have to be alone where there’s weird noises at night.”

Ellis has an idea that could solve both of their problems, “Harriet?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to have a roommate?”

Harriet doesn’t seem to get what she’s asking at first, “Yeah...I was just say-…” Harriet realizes what Ellis is asking, “Oh! I want a roommate and you want to move out of your mom’s house...oh I get it now.”

“I’d pay rent...and I’m not loud and I’m a little bit organzied.”

“You sound like you’d be a good roommate...and we can carpool.”

“I don’t really like driving...so I hope you don’t mind doing the majority of it.”

“I like driving...I don’t mind doing it.”

“Okay...good!”

Ellis doesn’t have many possessions so it doesn’t take her long to move into Harriet’s tiny apartment. It’s tiny and some of the neighbors are really loud but Ellis is just happy to not be living in her mother’s house anymore. She’s got to be an adult now and having her mother do her laundry isn’t being an adult.

Harriet likes having another person live with her. It does take a few days to get used to Ellis’s snoring but it’s not that bad after a while. Ellis is fun to live with. Harriet’s roommate in undergrad was loud and messy and Ellis is nothing like that. Ellis is pretty quiet most of the time but still has really good conversations with Harriet. She’s actually really happy to have Ellis as her roommate. Not just that she isn’t living alone but that it’s specifically Ellis that she’s living with.

Harriet thinks about the thing Ellis said a few days ago about being someone’s person. How she said that she said when someone’s your person you can just tell. She didn’t understand what she meant then but now she kind of does, or at least she thinks she does. She thinks Ellis is her person. She doesn’t know she thinks that but she just feels like she has a connection with her. It’s not something that was present when they were friends as teens. But they hadn’t really been friends as teens, just kids who sometimes hung out because their parents were friends. They had both been troubled teens who weren’t really great at making friends so they hadn’t had a proper friendship then. But they’re different people now and right now Harriet feels a connection with Ellis she hasn’t felt with anyone else in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter but I do love the dynamic Ellis and Harriet have, next weeks chapter is about twice as long and really good so I think it makes up for this one being so short.


	3. I Can't Handle Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bailey has a hard day when a surgery doesn't go as expected.

_ "The job of a doctor is to prevent death. But we aren't gods and sometimes there's nothing we can do to stop it. We all wish we could play God a little more and save everyone. But unfortunately life and death aren't in our hands and we lose the fight against death more often than we'd like. Sometimes when we expect to win we lose anyway. It's never easy to lose that fight but we have to get used to it. Or this job would break us"- Derek Bailey Shepherd _

Harriet really wasn’t in the mood to have to talk to her father today. But of course she had to be on his service. So she’s going to shut down any sort of friendly talk with him today. The first thing he says when he sees her is, “Harriet.” 

Harriet isn’t going to do this today. She’s not going to talk to her dad as a parent. She’ll talk to Jackson like she’d talk to any other attending. With respect but not in a friendly way, “It seems a little unprofessional for us to be using first names right now...I think you should call me Doctor Kepner.”

Jackson looks sort of upset but he does listen to her, “Okay...Doctor Kepner.”

“I think we should get to work...Doctor Avery...we need to take care of patients.”

“You’re right...sorry Doctor Kepner.”

Harriet doesn’t want to be working with her father at all but at least she set a boundary and he understands. He’s got the message that she does not want to talk to him and he’s now only talking about work. This is the way things should be with Jackson and April at work. They shouldn’t be talking about family issues in the hospital. 

The surgery Bailey was assisting on was going well. Bailey was doing it mostly solo even with only a little help from Cristina. But then things go south. The patient starts crashing and nothing he does or Cristina does brings her back. Cristina calls the time of death and Bailey can’t help but feel like this is his fault. He was the one operating when things went south. This isn't even a complicated surgery and the patient shouldn’t have just died like that. He had to have done something wrong.

Cristina doesn’t have him tell the family. She does it but she has him be there while she talks to the family. He doesn’t have to talk but he just gets to stand there silently. Bailey has to see this girl’s parents cry because their nineteen year old daughter died and he feels like he caused this. He must have done something wrong.

He follows Cristina out of the surgical waiting room after she’s finished talking to the patients. At least now he can maybe figure out what he did so he can make sure it never happens again, “Doctor Yang...I’m sorry.”

Cristina seems to be able to tell how upset he is. She’s using his first name instead of calling him Doctor Shepherd. It’s something she does when he’s really upset and it always helps to calm him down, “Bailey...it wasn’t your fault.”

“What killed her?”

“I don’t know...but sometimes patients...they just die and we never know exactly why.”   
  
“But this patient...she shouldn’t have and I had to have done something.”

“Bailey...you didn’t do anything...you were perfect...sometimes people just die and there’s nothing we could have done.” Cristina wishes Bailey would stop seeing patient death as a personal failure. Sometimes a patient’s death is a personal failure but this one wasn’t. It just happened. Bailey’s always been far softer than her and it doesn’t usually affect his work but now it is. His confidence has taken a hit and he doesn’t do nearly as well in the operating room. It’s his greatest weakness as a surgeon and Cristina wishes she could find a way to stop it.

“Okay.” Bailey knows he should just believe what Cristina said. But he wonders if this patient would have just died if it wasn’t him who was operating. If Cristina had done more of the work maybe she wouldn’t have died. He must have done something.

Bailey’s glad he has no more surgeries for the day. He should go home but he doesn’t want to go home and have to spend the rest of his day thinking about her personal failure. Really he just wants to talk to someone. He wanted to go over every step of the surgery with Cristina and just figure out if he made a mistake anywhere but Cristina does have other surgeries to handle. So Bailey can’t talk to her. He wishes he still had a heart surgeon aunt to talk to. But Bailey hasn’t had Aunt Maggie to talk to for a very long time. Maggie had developed Alzheimer's disease at an extremely early age while Bailey was in elementary school. She survived for a very long time by some miracle but she passed away while Bailey was in his last year of medical school. When she had been in the earlier stages of her disease she couldn't work as a surgeon anymore but she had always still talked about heart surgery. but in the last couple of years before she died Maggie was in such an advanced stage of her disease that she didn't really know who she was and definitely didn't understand a thing about surgery. Bailey misses her. 

Since Bailey doesn't want to go home he changes and finds a quiet spot in the hospital. There's an abandoned hospital bed in one of the hallways and it's always been a good place to sit. Zola showed it to him on his first day and he told Ellis about it before she even came here. He sits there by himself and gets lost in his thoughts. 

The death of the patient gets him thinking a lot about death in general. About the dead people in his family. Aunt Lexie who died before he was born. His dad who died when he was a toddler and who he couldn't remember. And Aunt Maggie about five years ago He knows that over the years his mom has lost a lot more people than him. 

He hates when he spirals into dark and twisty thoughts like this. It reminds him too much of what he was like when he had depressive episodes before he got his bipolar disorder under control. He knows that this isn't an episode, he's had his bipolar under control for years. His episodes were also far worse than this. But it still feels too close to that. 

Bailey just wants to stop thinking about it but he can't. He feels like he should feel about these people being dead. He can feel a lot of strange, conflicting things about dad but it's a whole lot more then he feels about Lexie. Maybe what he feels about dad is the right thing to feel. But he thinks maybe he should feel more about Lexie but he doesn't know how he could. He never knew her at all and they never met. He's never known really how to feel about his dad. He doesn't really remember him so it's hard to miss him. He just misses the idea of him. He doesn't miss him in the same way that Zola or Mom do. He feels like the dead person he can feel the most about is Maggie. He knew her for long enough to remember her. But also her death was something that gave him a weird sense of relief. It had been so hard for years and he had expected this to happen and it had just felt like release. He's sure that Lexie and Dad dying had not felt anything like that.

Bailey thinks that really he's never dealt with death. Not in the way that other people have. Sure he lost Aunt Maggie but it wasn't like losing someone suddenly. It was something he was prepared for. He knew for years it was coming and had been prepared for it. He doesn't know what it's like to lose someone in any sort of unexpected or unpaired way.

He will have to deal with it one day though and he doesn't know how he'll handle that. One day he will lose his mom. There's a lot of people in his life he's doomed to one day lose, people like Cristina, Amelia and Alex. Unless he somehow dies before them he's pretty much guaranteed to lose them. He doesn't know what he'll do if he loses any of them. He'll have to handle it sooner then he wants. He'd rather he never have to but it's going to happen one day. He handled Aunt Maggie but these people aren't going to all die like her. He's not going to get years of advanced warning and processing time.

His patient today proves that you can die at any time. She had seemed healthy a week before today before they found her previously undiagnosed heart condition. Then she had died during a low risk surgery. He could lose anyone suddenly. He could lose Georgia, or his mom or his sisters. He thinks the thought of losing Zola or Ellis scares him the most. He already almost did lose Ellis as a teenager and he's never gotten any of the vivid memories of that out of his head, even after ten years. Zola could die of a shunt complication any time. Something bad could happen to either one of them at any time.

Bailey feels a hand on his shoulder and nearly jumps. He looks up from the floor. Zola's sitting next to him on the bed looking really worried, "Bailey...are you okay...why are you crying?"

Bailey realizes that he's crying, he didn't know before but now he feels the hot wetness on his cheeks. He wipes his eyes on his sleeve, "I'm okay...I had a...patient die and it got me thinking too much about stuff."

Zola wraps her arm around him, “What are you thinking about?”

“Just...death.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t like that people I know could die at any time and that I can’t do anything about it.”

“I know...nobody likes thinking about it.”

“What if...you die...what would I do if you died?”

“I don’t know Bailey...but I don’t think I’m dying anytime soon.”

“But you don’t know that...you could die today in a car accident.”   
  
Zola squeezes him a little, “That’s true...but chances are I’m not dying anytime soon.”

“I know...I just didn’t think my patient would die...and she did and it got me thinking about you know...dark and twisty stuff.”

“People die during surgery Bailey.”

“I know...I just didn’t think this was a case where someone would die...it was low risk and I feel like I made a mistake.”

“What did Cristina say about it?”

“She said I didn’t do anything and that I did everything right.”

“Then...you did everything right...and you didn’t do anything wrong.”   


“...I know that...but I just think too much and question myself too much whenever someone dies when I’m the one operating.”

“You aren’t very secure in your skills when people die...you’re confident a lot of the time but when you lose people...you lose your confidence.”   


Bailey knows Zola is right about that. Zola is right about most things, “I know...how do you not lose your confidence when people die?”   


“I just...look at the facts and then I know that it wasn’t my fault and...that it was out of my control and that’s how I feel better when people die.”

“I know I shouldn’t blame myself...I don’t think I still do anymore but I got myself all dark and twisty.”

Zola looks worried, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Bailey feels bad for worrying her so much, “I am...well I know that I will be and I just got too worked up over this...but I hate how overwhelming my feelings can be.”

“I know...but you’ll be okay...you had a bad day and tomorrow will be better.”

“I know.”

“Do you feel better?”   
  
“Yeah.”

“Good...do you want to come with me for dinner at Mom’s?”

Bailey hasn’t had dinner at his mom’s house in months, “Sure...is Ellis going to come too?”

“Oh yeah...so you’ll make it a family dinner...and we haven’t had one in...God it’s been forever.”

“We’ve all been busy...I think the last time the four of us were able to all eat together was last Christmas?”   


Zola corrects him, “No...I had to work...it was...last thanksgiving...and Ellis had to go home the day after.”

“We’re doctors...it’s what’s expected.”

Bailey feels a lot better once he’s with his family and they’re all talking together. He hasn’t really had a chance to catch up with Ellis since she started her intern year and it’s nice to hear she’s doing well. Georgia’s in charge of her intern class so he deicides he’ll ask about that, “So how do you like Georgia, Ellis?”

“Oh...I’m a bit scared shitless of her but...she’s a great doctor and Harriet said she really helped her when some shit came up at work...so I know she’s soft inside like you said she was.”

“That’s Georgia for you...tough and scary on the outside but soft inside...if she likes you.”

“Do you think she likes me?”

Georgia hasn’t talked about Ellis much but everything she’s said has been mostly positive. She did say that Ellis has a lot of self doubt to get over but she also definitely thought that Ellis showed promise, “She likes you...she thinks you need more confidence though.”

Ellis fidgets with her hair for a moment, “I know...I’m sure everyone thinks that.”

Zola says, “Ellis...who’s your favorite attending so far?”

“Oh...I don’t know...I like Doctor Montgomery though...I was on his service today and he’s just a really good teacher.”

Zola lives with Henry and is very close with him so she’s got a lot of good things to say about him, “Yeah...Henry’s great...he’s like the nicest person I know and he loves interns...so I’m guessing all the interns love him too.”

Bailey’s got a thought about Henry that he shouldn’t share but decides to do so anyway, “So how many interns do you think are going to try and sleep with him?”

Zola playfully slaps him in the arm, “Bailey...I don’t want to think about my best friend having sex...and probably a few...but he wouldn’t sleep with an intern.”

“I know...I know...but who didn’t try and sleep with an attending in their first few years of residency?”

Zola goes quiet and Mom looks a little surprised, “Wait...I knew about you Bailey but Zola did you really?”

Zola laughs and nods, “Okay Mom...but remind me who our father was and how you met him?”

Mom laughs too, “Okay...so it seems to run in the family.

“I’m never doing anything like that...I promise all of you.” Ellis says.

Bailey knows his sister is the only family member they can trust to never sleep with attendings, “Well yeah...you’re asexual.”

“God and so proud of it right now...I’m never going to be that intern.”

Mom laughs at Ellis’s comment “Hey...if I wasn’t that intern you wouldn’t exist.”

“Okay true...but how often does being that intern work out for people?”

“Well...not very often...and not for most people so it’s really not a good idea.”

Zola looks embarrassed, “It didn’t get me any special surgeries so it didn’t work great for me.”

Mom playfully scolds Zola, “Zola Grey Shepherd...we don’t sleep with our attendings to get good surgeries.”

Zola sounds dead serious when she says, “I’d sleep with someone for a rare tumor surgery...but otherwise I agree...and I’m a fellow now so it’s okay for me to sleep with attendings.”

Bailey nudges his sister, “Now you get to sleep with the interns and give them good surgeries.”

“I don’t sleep with interns Bailey...I have high standards and interns could never meet them...a lot of us hate them for a reason.”

Bailey pretends to be very offended by Zola’s statement, “Zola how could you say such a terrible thing about interns when Ellis is right here?”

Ellis laughs, “I’m so hurt and offended Zola.”

Zola pats Ellis’s head, which makes Ellis laugh more and makes Zola crack up too, “Poor baby doctor had her feelings hurt.”

Ellis swats Zola’s hand, “You’re a bitch Zola.”

“Hey take that back you little shit.”

“Zola...stop flexing that you’re taller than me...it’s not my fault I’m five one.”

Bailey is always up for teasing Ellis about her height, “I’m short for a guy but I’m still five inches taller than you.”’

Zola says, “Bailey...I’m four inches taller than you...and nine inches taller then Ellis...I think I win.”

Mom looks at them with the same affectionate, full of love she’s been giving them forever, “You three are all doctors and you’re still teasing each other like children...you never grow up.”

There’s silence around the table for a minute before Zola breaks it, “Mom...are you just jealous that I’m three inches taller than you?”

Zola’s comment makes everyone laugh. Bailey feels a lot better now. His mother and sisters took his mind off what happened today and now that he’s had some time to stop thinking about it he’s able to look at it clearly and consider all the facts like Zola said she does. And he knows that it’s not his fault.

Bailey gets home pretty late that night. He didn’t plan to spend so much time at his mom’s house but he hadn’t gotten a chance to spend time with his mom and sisters in ages and he really needed to catch up with them. 

Georgia’s awake on the couch when he comes into the apartment, “I thought you were working the night shift.”

Bailey sits down next to her, “No...actually I finished hours ago...but family dinner with my mom and sisters always lasts a long time.”

“...I’m surprised y’all have time for that.”

“I haven’t had family dinner with them in forever...we were lucky all our schedules linked up.”   
  


“I haven’t seen my brother or my sisters in forever...or really had a chance to speak to them in a while.”

“Georgia...you should talk to them...I’m sure they miss you.”

“I know they do...it’s the same thing as your family...they’re just busy, Caroline’s a lawyer and Mason’s a neurosurgeon so they’re just always busy and Rachel’s helping teach summer school so she’s really busy too...and I’m a surgical resident so I’m also...really busy”

“Just text them...you’ll at least talk a little.”

“You’re right...I should.”

“I’ll remind you.”

“Thanks.”

“So...how was your day?

“It was good...Doctor Karev let me scrub in a really good neonatal case.”

“Oh cool...Alex is great to work with.”

“You know Bailey...I’ll never get over how easily you call most of the attendings by their first names.”

“I grew up with most of these people being basically family or being my actual family...Alex is like my uncle…Cristina is my godmother...and Amelia is literally my aunt.”

“I know...but it’s still weird.”

“That’s fair.”

“How was your day?”

“It was good after dinner with my family...but before that I lost a patient and I kind of freaked out and thought it was my fault and I was sure I did something wrong...I didn’t though...it was just a shitty, unexpected death.”

“I hate when they die when you’re so sure they’ll pull through.”

“Zola said I’m not very good at handling death when I’m the one operating...and now that I’m doing more on my own...I have to handle it.”

“Death is hard...but we have to handle it...surgeons see death all the time.”

“I know...and it doesn’t always bother me when I expect it more with risky surgery but when it happens when I don’t expect it...it sucks so much.”

“I know what you mean...I hate it too.”

“I lose my confidence when people die...and a lack of confidence isn’t a good skill in a surgeon.”

Georgia lies her head on his shoulder, “You’ll figure it out Pretty Boy...you’ve got this.”

Bailey kisses the top of her, “Thanks Georgia.”

Georgia curls up against him, “No problem.”

Bailey wraps his arm around her “I love you so much...you know that right?”

“Of course I do...you won’t let me forget.”

“Good.” Bailey is just extremely grateful for Georgia’s existence. She’s really his person and he’s just so lucky to have her. He doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

Ellis notices that Harriet is quiet when she gets home. She’s not very talkative in general but this is quiet even for Harriet and it worries her. She sits on Harriet’s bed because she’s awake and reading, “Are you okay?”

Harriet looks up from her book, “Yeah...I’m fine...I just had to work with my dad today...and I hated it...but I also avoided talking to him about anything that wasn’t work related...so that’s good.”

“Oh...are you sure you’re okay?”

Harriet looks tired, “I’m sure...how are you doing?”

Ellis thinks Harriet is asking about her day to avoid talking about her problems. Maybe she should push Harriet a little more but she doesn’t want to upset her, “I’m doing good...I saw my mom and siblings today.”

“Oh...that’s fun.”

“...I don’t have to talk about it...I’d understand why you don’t want to hear it.”   


“No...it’s okay...I just miss my sister.”

Ellis remembers that Harriet has a stepsister. She thinks she’s talked to Ruby a few times but she never really knew her, “Have you thought about trying to talk to her?”

“No...but I might try.”

“I think that would be a good idea...we should go to bed.”

“You’re right...goodnight Ellis.”

“Goodnight Harriet.”

It’s not long till Harriet can hear Ellis snoring. She wants to sleep but she can’t and it’s not Ellis’s snoring keeping her awake. She can’t stop thinking about Ruby. She wants to talk to her again but she’s sure that Ruby doesn’t. She knows that her running away must have caused all sorts of problems for everyone in her family. So she doesn't think she should even bother with trying to talk to Ruby. She won't be able to handle it not working out so why risk it. She can be fine without her, she's been fine without her for ten years.

Thinking about Ruby also makes her think about Samuel. She wishes she had what Ellis has with Zola and Bailey, instead she has a dead brother she never met and a sister who she isn't sure she'll ever speak to again. Harriet ends up spending a long time trying and failing to fall asleep because she's thinking too much. After a long time she falls asleep when she's just too tired to think about Ruby and Samuel anymore.

_ "I think sometimes we have to let ourselves feel the pain. Doctors are supposed to be detached but we can't let ourselves become too cold. There's a balance between too cold and too close and we all have to figure it out. If you don't feel the losses then what are you fighting for? As much as we like to pretend we are, we aren't super human and we feel things too. Sometimes it hurts us more than we want, after all we're only human"- Derek Bailey Shepherd. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter with narration at both the end and the beginning! Fun fact, I forgot about my Monday weekly update until almost 9:00 pm. Anyway hope you enjoyed this because I loved writing it.
> 
> Also I know that Grey's Anatomy has done a storyline involving a doctor having bipolar disorder. I wasn't aware of that storyline with Deluca until a while after I made that choice for Bailey's character and by the time I was aware of it, I had made the choice months ago. If their are any similarities with Deluca's storyline that come up for Bailey they are completely not intentional, I haven't seen that part of the show at all.


	4. Feelings Are Fatal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zola doesn't know what a break is.

_ “Some people are deeply sad and you wouldn’t know it. Sometimes the person themselves has it buried so deeply that they don’t know just how sad they are. Even if they do they won’t acknowledge the sadness. They just keep pushing it away to deal with later and burying it under anything and everything. Anything to avoid the pain they can’t handle”- Zola Grey Shepherd. _

  
Zola is such a workaholic that Henry is surprised when he sees her home. She's at the hospital so much that it's kind of worrying. She sleeps there most nights and even when she's not on call basically waits around for an opportunity. Henry understands what she's doing to a degree but he thinks she's been going way too far.

Zola doesn't mean to fall asleep at the table while she's eating but she realizes she did when Henry wakes her up, "Zola are you like...okay?" he sounds actually concerned about her.

Zola thinks he's being a little neurotic by worrying about her this much, "Henry...I'm fine."

“You’re exhausted though...you should go to sleep..in your bed.”

Zola is starting to get tired “You’re probably right...but I have things I should finish.”

“In the morning Zola...you need to sleep.”

“Does it really have to be right now?”

“It should be.”

Zola rolls her eyes at Henry, “Okay Mom...I’ll go to bed.”

Zola does actually sleep but she wakes up early so she can get to the hospital early. She always tries to get there at least an hour before she needs to. She thinks it’s a good habit. She's always ready in time thanks to it. 

Amelia's got her taking out a tumor today, and unless there are serious complications, she'll be doing it without any help. She's done a few solo neuro cases before this but this is more complicated than anything she's ever gone solo on and she's excited.

The tumor ends up being a bit more complicated than expected and she's not sure she'll be able to do it without help. But she remembers all the tumor cases she's scrubbed in on and assisted with. She uses her skills from all those surgeries and she manages to get the whole tumor out without Amelia helping. She's happy but not as happy as she thought. She's mostly just tired and her head and back hurt. She's tired too. The surgery was seven hours long but she can usually do longer surgeries and not feel so tired. But she’s been a little tired and sore for a few days. She’s sure it’ll pass soon.

She checks in on some post-op patients after the surgery and she just feels exhausted the whole time. She takes painkillers for her head and back pain and decides that if it doesn't start feeling better she'll get checked out. It's been a long time since she's needed a shunt revision and she really hopes that she doesn’t need one now. She does not want to have brain surgery. But she thinks it’s probably just a cold or maybe she’s overworked. Chances are she doesn’t have anything serious

Zola actually gets in bed as soon as she gets home. She’s pretty much sure that she’s sick. Zola rarely gets sick and she hates that she has to get sick now. Amelia’s been giving her a lot of great totally solo surgeries recently and she doesn’t want to miss out on them. She’s sweaty and has chills and she doesn’t have a thermometer but she’s positive that she has a fever. She should probably just try and sleep it off.

Sofia comes in a bit later, Zola was lightly sleeping and Sofia coming in wakes her up. Sofia looks apologetic, “Oh...sorry...did I wake you up?”

Zola pulls the blanket around herself tighter, “It’s fine.”

Sofia tilts her head as she looks at her, “Are you sick?...you’re all sweaty and you’re shivering.”

Zola can’t focus on the question for a second because all she can think about is how cute Sofia looks when she tilts her head, she feels her face heat up and she doesn’t think it’s just the fever, “Pretty sure I’m sick.”

“You look...really bad...do you think you should get checked out?”

“I’m not sure...It’s probably just the flu.”

“What are your symptoms?”

Zola feels worse than she did when she fell asleep so she has to take a minute to evaluate her own symptoms, “fever, back and abdominal pain, headache, nausea, and exhaustion…”   


“That sounds bad...do you think it’s your shunt?”

“I don’t know...I don’t get a lot of these symptoms with shunt issues...unless it's an infection I don't think it's my shunt."

Henry comes into the bedroom, “Zola’s sick?”

Sofia answers his question, “Zola’s like...really sick.”

Zola protests, “I’m not that sick.” But she doesn’t know if she believes herself. She actually feels really bad. She’s cold and achy and really nauseous. She also feels foggy and exhausted and she’s actually a little worried.

Henry immediately jumps into his usual mother henning. He sits on Zola’s bed and feels her forehead, “Zo...you’re burning up...and you’re shaking...I think you’re really sick.”

Zola doesn’t think she can protest anymore, “Okay...I’m really sick.”

Henry gently pinches the skin on her arm. Zola knows that it takes too long to snap back down. Henry looks really concerned now, “I think you’re really dehydrated.”

“I don’t usually get this sick.”

“I think you should get checked out.”

Zola can only nod in agreement. She’s starting to feel too sick to even speak which is freaking her out. She can’t remember ever getting this sick. 

Sofia squeezes her hand, “Hey Zola...can you squeeze my hand?’

Zola squeezes Sofia’s hand back. She thinks Sofia is worried she’s unresponsive or something. She hates making Sofia and Henry worry like this. They’re her best friends and she doesn’t like seeing them upset. 

Henry holds her other hand and squeezes it too, “Okay...we’ll go to the ER...can you walk?”

Zola’s pretty sure that she can walk. She’s not that sick. She even manages to make herself talk, “I can walk.”

Even if she can walk Henry still makes her lean against him for support when they go out to the car. Zola really doesn’t enjoy the car ride. She’d rather be lying down and even with a blanket wrapped around her, she’s still far too cold.

Zola hates the ER waiting room. She’s never minded the actual ER but the waiting room is something she’d rather not spend a lot of time in. When she was a kid being in this ER waiting room meant she was about to be told she needed surgery because of her shunt failing. Having to have multiples neurosurgeries in childhood was traumatic, to say the least. She doesn’t want to spend any more time in the cold and loud ER waiting room. Henry and Sofia can tell she’s distressed and are both trying to help her calm down. She’s got her head resting on Henry’s shoulder and he keeps telling her that it’s going to be okay. Sofia holds her hand and tries to distract her with weird stories she’s definitely making up on the spot. It helps though. They’re both helping to make it better.

Zola’s glad when she’s out of the waiting room. She’s not thrilled about having to get tests but it’s better than the waiting room. The sooner she gets test results the sooner she’ll be able to get treated. She gets assessed and that’s really not that bad, it’s vitals and a few very basic tests. Thanks to her hydrocephalus she also has to get a head CT. Thankfully it’s not that bad and it’s normal so she probably won’t have to get surgery today. 

One of the other special texts she gets because of her hydrocephalus is a spinal tap. For some reason, they’ve always totally freaked her out. She doesn’t know why. Sure they’re a little painful and the side effects are unpleasant but it still shouldn’t freak her out in the way they do. Sofia knows how spinal taps freak Zola out so she’s right at her side when the time comes for the procedure. She holds Zola’s hand and it helps a little. Zola just focuses on Sofia’s face and she only cries a little bit when the needle gets put into her back.

Zola’s got what’s very likely to be a kidney infection. She feels dumb for not realizing that was likely the problem before. Kidney infections are a lot more common in people with spina bifida and she’s had them before. She realizes now that she’s definitely felt the way she’s felt now when she’s had kidney infections in the past. But she hasn’t had one in a while so she didn’t recognize it.

Zola’s sick enough that they admit her for fluids and IV antibiotics. She’s glad that it’s not anything that requires surgery like a shunt failure but a kidney infection of that degree is pretty serious. She’s glad she’s getting treatment though. It would be a lot worse if Henry and Sofia hadn’t brought her here.

Sofia’s on call and gets paged so she can’t stay but Henry isn’t working so he stays with her. Zola’s glad to have a companion and she’s glad it’s Henry, he’s one of her people after all.

Henry moves his chair very close to her bed, “How do you feel now?”

Zola’s lying in bed with her eyes closed to try and lessen the photosensitivity caused by the spinal headache, the very uncomfortable side effect of having a spinal tap, “I have a terrible headache and I’m so nauseous.”

“Henry holds her hand, “Do you think you’ll throw up?

“I usually get pretty sick after a spinal tap and...I have the infection to deal with...so yes.”

Henry being Henry is just ready to help her, “You should sit up...so you don’t choke if you do."

Zola nods, “Help me?”

Henry adjusts the bed to help her sit up. Zola opens her a little just so she can be looking at him when she thanks him. She’s very tired, so she isn’t doing the best at focusing on his face, but she knows he doesn’t care. He just gives her a soft, caring look, “Are you comfortable enough?”

Zola is very uncomfortable thanks to nausea and pain but she isn’t in more pain because of the position she’s in, “I’m not in more pain because of moving.”

“Okay...that’s good.”

Zola doesn’t say anything else because she’s somehow gotten more nauseous. Henry seems to notice though because she tenses up. Henry quickly grabs the emesis bin off the overbed table. He holds her hair out of her face and rubs her back as she repeatedly gets sick. 

Eventually, the nausea subsides and Zola’s able to lie down again. She feels sweaty and disgusting. She weakly smiles at Henry, “You’re the real MVP, Henry.”

“I didn’t even do that much.”

“You’re helping me when I’m sick and gross.”

Henry holds her hand, I”m a doctor...I take care of people...and you’re my friend...and I take care of friends...I’m only doing what’s right.”

“You’re soft...don’t ever let that change.”

Henry kisses her sweaty forehead, “Zo...you’re soft too, it’s just under a harder shell...now get some sleep.”

Zola nods and shuts her eyes. She’s so tired that it doesn’t take her more than a few minutes to fall asleep. 

When she wakes up she feels better. The terrible headache she had before is mostly just a dull pain and the medicines and fluid they gave her are doing their job. She still doesn’t feel good but it’s less awful than before. Henry’s gone but her mom is sitting in the chair next to her bed now, "Hey.”

“Oh...you’re finally awake.”

“How long was I sleeping?”

“Oh...about eleven hours.”

Zola hasn’t slept more than about six hours since her third year of medical school so she’s a little surprised, “Oh..oh wow.”

“You needed the rest...you’re pretty sick.”

“I felt a lot worse earlier...so the drugs must be doing their job...still feel cold and shitty but not as cold or shitty.”

Mom pulls the covers up so she’s better covered by the blanket and tucks her in like she’s still a little kid, “The rest helps too...you work too much.”

“Mom...I’m a first-year neurosurgery fellow...I have to work a lot.”

“I know that Zola...but you don’t have to do as much as you do.”

“I like what I do.”

“Zola...never having a break isn’t healthy.”

Zola knows her mother has a bit of a point, “Maybe sometimes...I overwork...like when I wasn’t feeling the greatest before getting sick and I didn’t take a break...at all.”

“Zola...you can’t do that...if you think you’re getting sick then you take a break.”

“I didn’t even feel that bad till yesterday...just sore and tired..and I didn’t even get a fever until later in the day.”

“Not the point...the point is that you need to take care of yourself too...not just patients.”

Zola does think she could maybe have a little more time off. She could take a short break from volunteering in the clinic on her days off. She isn’t sure she wants to stop totally but she’ll think about doing it a little less “Okay...I’ll try to take a few more breaks.”

“That’s good...you’re very passionate and ambitious and that’s a good thing...but you’re also human and can’t keep going how you’re going now for the rest of your life.”

Zola nods in agreement, “I know...and I’m having some time off now...so don’t worry.”

“Don’t spend all your time doing research...just relax for once.”

“Mom...we’re doctors...you know how surgery becomes your life.”

“That doesn’t mean don’t need to take care of yourself...you don’t want to keel over one day from exhaustion when you have a scalpel in someone’s brain.”

Zola laughs a little at that, “I don’t think that’ll ever happen.”

“Of course you wouldn’t let that happen...but exhaustion isn’t a good thing when you’re a surgeon...make sure you sleep enough that you won’t ever accidentally lobotomize someone.”

“I promise I won’t accidentally lobotomize someone...and I’ll find a way to fix it if I do.”

Mom kisses her forehead, “I’m sure you would...do you need anything?”

Zola can only think of one thing that she wants, “chocolate pudding...because hospital chocolate pudding is better than any other pudding.’

“I thought you might ask for that...I’ll get you some...and it’s good that you’re feeling well enough to eat.”

Zola feels a bit happier once she has her pudding. She isn’t sure what it is about the hospital chocolate pudding that she loves so much. But she’s always had a weird love for it that started during early childhood when she had shunt surgery and it never changed. Even if she feels crappy she’s still able to eat the whole pudding cup. She’d have to be a lot sicker to not want the pudding.

Zola doesn’t have a lot of energy so she falls back asleep after she finishes the pudding even if she just woke up after sleeping for eleven hours. She wakes up briefly when a nurse is taking her blood and asks about her labs, the nurse rolls her eyes a little because doctors make the worst patients. She does tell Zola her labs though and Zola’s relieved that they’re pretty normal. She probably will be able to get out of here soon. Zola falls back asleep before her nurse leaves.

Zola wakes up for real after a few hours of napping and finds herself bored. She can’t work so she’s a little unsure of what to do with herself. She eventually settles for just browsing the internet on her phone and trying to find something entertaining.

She’s so relieved when Sofia comes into her room because she knows she won’t be so bored, “Hey.”

Sofia sits in the chair next to her bed, “How are you feeling now?”

“Better...not great but not awful.”

“Henry said you were feeling really horrible while he was with you.”

“I slept a lot...and it helped.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah...how was work?”

“Oh it was hectic...but I got to do a lot.”

“Tell me about it...I’m dying of boredom.”

Sofia starts rambling about her day with more detail than Zola needs to know. She doesn’t care if a lot of it is technically unnecessary detail. She doesn’t need to know what kind of candy bar Sofia had from the vending machine or where it was. Sofia rambles a lot when she tells stories. She’s told Zola that she’s often had other people find it annoying. Zola doesn’t find it annoying at all. Zola loves to listen to Sofia talk about anything and everything. Zola wonders if Sofia knows how happy she makes her. How much Zola thinks about her. She wants her to know, “Sofia?”

Sofia stops her story, “Yes?”

“You make me very happy...and I just...I love you.”

Sofia smiles at her, “I love you too...you’re always going to be my best friend.”

Zola makes herself smile, “You too.” Sofia didn’t understand what she was trying to do and just goes back to her rambling that Zola loves so much... She could clarify but that would make things too weird and awkward and Zola doesn’t want that. She’s told Sofia she loves her a million times but she’s never told Sofia that she’s in love with her. She doesn’t even know what she’d say to her. So she hasn’t said it even if she’s had these feelings for years. She thought that the feelings would go away but they never did. She fell in love with Sofia in her intern year and it never changed. Maybe she fell in love long before that. In medical school, or undergrad, or maybe even highschool. Really she doesn’t know how long she’s loved Sofia. She realized in intern year but she’s never been the best at understanding her own feelings. She could have been in love with her for years before that and haven’t known. It doesn’t matter how long she’s been in love though, she’s still hopelessly, deeply in love regardless of how she’s had feelings for Sofia. She’s not sure she’ll ever tell her. If she never does then what they have now will have to be enough. Right now she gets to be Sofia’s best friend and she thinks maybe that can be enough, maybe it has to be enough.

Zola’s able to go home the next day and is told to spend a few days resting. She can’t wait to go back to work. She hates being understimulated like this and just wants to be able to work again. She hates having too much time on her hands and too much time to think about things she doesn’t want to think about. She doesn’t like the places her brain goes when she’s not at work and she just wants to go back and stop spending her days lying around the house. 

Zola knows she told her mom she’d try and work less. But once she’s back at work three days after she gets home she just flings herself back into everything full force. Maybe other people can’t handle what she does but Zola can’t handle what other people do. She’s a doctor before she’s anything else and she never wants that to change. She’ll be fine anyway.

_ “Sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing is to hide the pain till we don’t have it, Once we start feeling that pain again we’ll do anything to get it back. Like an addiction, you aren’t really aware of until we don’t have”- Zola Grey Shepherd. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we see Zola's tendency to neglect everything for her work. Zola's got some deeply buried emotional issues and overworking is one of many healthy coping mechanisms she has for it.


End file.
